Easy open revised
by InuZelda
Summary: Scout has found his worst enemy: the easy open tetra brik! Join him in his epic ? battle! Now 100% better written.


**Author note: **this is not just the first piece of fanfiction that I write for this fandom, but it is also the first one that I write on english, published again because now it's beta readed. Sorry for the lack of accents distinctions in the characters, it was hard enough for me to write this on a foreign lenguage. Thank you and enjoy this silly and strange short... somehow based on real facts.

Thanks to DarkMarxSoul for being my beta. This had a lot of mistakes now corrected by him. If you like Mario games, check his fan fiction trilogy. It's awesome.

* * *

Easy-open, it said.

The RED Scout glared at the milk's tetra brik. He had always preferred bottled milk, but then the guys decided that buying tetra briks was less expensive, so they decided to order them for the following week's supply and then use the saved money to order other things since they have a monetary limit on the supply orders to the HQ. At first it seemed a good idea, but now the Scout was sure that it had been the worst idea ever.

He hadcome early into the kitchen that morning to prepare his breakfast. It was Soldier's turn to prepare the breakfast for the team and it was always an awful one. So he only had three options: eat it and have a stomach ache until the first respawn, skip the breakfast and be hungry until lunch time, or wake up before the rest of the team and make his own breakfast. He had chosen the third option and now he was regretting it. And it was all the fault of that damn carton package called tetra brik.

Easy-open, it said.

"Easy open my ass!" he exclaimed, infuriated.  
"Don't say that aloud, or the enemy Spy will take that literally," his team's Spy said from kitchen's door in a mocking tone.  
"I have enough problems to think of that faggot of a French frog!" Scout replied frustrated."He is dime-a-dozen back-stabbing scum-bag, just like you!... No offence."  
Spy chuckled and added sarcastically:  
"Oh yes, you have a big problem with a tetra brik."  
"You... have been here the whole time?" Scout asked, embarrassed.  
"Oui, since the beginning of your little struggle against an inanimate object" the Spy laughed, amused.

Until that moment, the Scout had been stuck in the kitchen for about thirty minutes. He had spent every second of that thirty minutes trying to open the milk tetra brik, on which plastic stopper could be read: "easy-open".  
First, the Scout had tried to remove the stopper casually, but it was heavily closed. Then he decided to apply more force on the thing, but it didn't move. After taking about five minutes trying to open the thing moving the stopper from right to left and vice-verse, the Bostonian tried to open it with his teeth, but after some attempts and incomprehensible curses, he removed his mouth from the tetra brick and glared at it a bit angrily. Then he jumped on the table where he had put the tetra brick, grabbed it with his feet,and then he applied even more force than before on the stopper, but it didn't move at all again. Not just that: Scout fell off the table a few seconds later. Then, completely angry, he stood up and started to shout ugly things like "son of a bitch" or "dickhead" to see if it started to cry and then would open itself, but then he had realized that he was talking to an inanimate object.

"Man, I'm starting to act like Soldier," he sighed, facepalming before returning to his battle.

Scout then picked up a knife and tired to cut the stopper, but he couldn't cut the plastic.

"What kind of material was used to make this damn stopper? Australium?" he said as he tried to pierce the plastic. When he realized that that didn't work, he threw the knife out the window and then he heard a moan of pain from Soldier, who probably was shouting to his collection of heads.

After that, he shouted "Easy-open my ass!" and then the spy had come.

"This day is just begining and I can say that is the worst day ever," Scout sighed, tired.  
"Really?" asked his companion.  
"No, it's the second," he realized."There was that day with the BLU Soldier clones when Medic implanted us with that übercharge thing. I wasn't just shot by rockets and ended landing on medic's infirmary window, but I also ended with Archimedes inside of my body when he put the new heart in my body after a painful surgery." Spy cringed at the memory: it was also painful for him, but he didn't end with a dove inside of his body.  
"Anyway," the Frenchman said."Do you want my help withthis issue?".

Normally Scout wouldn't let anybody help him due his pride and manliness, but he was so desperate that he allowed the Spy to try to open it for him.

After a few attempts, the espionage expert wasn't able to do it neither.

"Well, this was a disappointment" he stated,surprised. That stopper was too resistant to even be real.  
"Now what, genius?" Scout asked.  
"Maybe we need a bit of muscle here..." Spy opined.  
"I'll call Heavy," the Bostonian replied.

Atthat moment the Russian entered the kitchen.

"Hey, big guy, we were talking about you," Scout said happily. "We need your help," Scout added, pointing at the tetra brick.  
"Little Scout wants Heavy to open milk?" the man asked."It's easy to me."

The big man grabbed the milk and tried to open it.

"Oh no! Stopper is not moving!" he exclaimed frustrated after some failed attempts. "Tiny tetra brick is bad!"  
"Oh crap, Heavy can't open it either," Scout complained. "Now what?"  
"What are you doing, maggots?" Soldier asked as he entered the kitchen with the Demoman.  
"Seriously lad, you don't feel any pain with that knife in your shoulder?" the Scottish cyclops asked as he pointed to the knife that Soldier had in his shoulder. "You should see doc."  
"Pain is weakness leaving the body," replied the American,angry. "And I don't need the help of a Nazi."  
"Is Soldier having a bad day too?" asked Spy. After all the time on the war against the BLUs, Soldier was used to the German doctor, but every time that he had a bad day he was angry with Medic for no reason, not even calling for his help in battles and preferring torun with the equalizer. He also called the doc Nazi (actually, if he was a Nazi or not was unknown). The doctor just ignored him on those days.

"It seems so," Demoman answered sighing.  
"What happened?" asked Scout.  
"One of that damn Nazi's doves had been pecking the eyeballs off my heads" Soldier replied.  
"Or a wild bird," Scout mumbled. "Anyway, we're having problems with the milk, can you help?" he asked the two.  
"What is wrong with the milk?" Demoman asked, looking at the tetra brick.  
"We can't open it!" Scout, Spy and Heavy said at once.  
"Jinx, you own me one soda!" the Bostonian exclaimed to Spy and Heavy, who just looked each other confused.  
"Wait a minute, if the communist can't open it and he is the strongest here, then how will we open it?"

Demoman smirked as he just came up with his sticky bomb launcher and put some sticky bombs around the tetra brik. Before that any of his teammates could stop him, he detonated the bombs.

And the tetra brik was still there, unharmed.

"How could this happen?" Heavy wondered shocked.  
"I need a bloody drink," the Scottish said, shaking his head, and then he went to search for his Scrumpy, which was on a nearly larder.  
"I must be dreaming," Spy stated.  
"Freaking unbelievable," Scout claimed.

The five REDs were staring at the indestructible package when Pyro and Engineer came running into the kitchen, main weapons in hand as they thought that the BLUs had attacked their teammates

"What was that explosion?" asked the Texan,worried. "Is everybody alright?"  
"Yeah... just a bit shocked," replied Scout.  
"Why aph hud huphed?" Pyro asked.  
"We have tried everything to open that milk tetra brik, but the damn thing cannot be opened," Scout replied.  
"I swear that it is a weapon created by those Soviets to destroy our precious country!" exclaimed Soldier. Everybody else just rolled their eyes.

Pyro approached to the tetra brik, flame-thrower in hand, and set the thing on fire, the pyromaniac leaping back after realizing that the package didn't shine with sparkles (burn).  
"What kind of witchcraft is this?!" Pyro exclaimed mentally.  
"Now I've seen everything," Engineer said,amazed. "Can I examine the package?"  
"Of course, but I doubt that you'lldo anything," Scout replied as he gave him the tetra brik. The Texan read it quickly and giggled.  
"What is so funny?" Scout asked annoyed.  
"I've found the problem: this kind of indestructible tetra brik was created for Saxton Hale. I think that he requested this thing be created because he always breaks the common tetra briks when he tries to open one. I'm sure that this one was sent to us by error."  
"So... is it not a Soviet weapon?" Soldier asked, glaring at the tetra brick with scepticism.  
"Nope, it isn't," replied the Texan.

Atthat moment Sniper and Medic entered in the kitchen, the first one had been cleaning his rifle on his van and the second had been experimenting with the BLU Spy's head that was in his fridge.

"Can we know why the breakfast is not made yet?" Medic asked.  
"We had troubles with a tetra brikcreated for Saxton Hale" Scout replied.  
"What?" the recently arrived mercenaries asked at the same time.  
"You have missed all the fun," Demoman answered, chuckling.  
"It wasn't funny!" exclaimed the Scout.

"Mission begins in ten minutes," the announcer's voice claimed.

The tea members looked each other. The mission would began soon and they hadn't eaten! And it was a payload one, which made it harder for them.

"This is bad," Heavy said, worried."Fighting with empty stomach is not good for team."

"Damn tetra brik! It is its fault!" Scout shouted as he grabbed the tetra brik and threw it out the window with such force that it ended up falling on the BLU Team's bomb cart, making it explode.  
The REDs came out from their base to see that half of the BLU base had been destroyed by the bomb. Sniper take out his rifle and zoomed to the explosion epicentre: the tetra brik was still intact.

"The match has been cancelled," the announcer's voice said, and it was full with cold angriness when she added,"the reparations on BLU's base will be paid with your next salary."

None of the REDs said anything. In that moment they only had one thought in their heads:  
They never wanted to see a tetra brik again


End file.
